Ways to amuse yourself while Unemployed

Having been unemployed for more than half a year, now, I have decided to at least have a sense of humor about it. I'll admit that my sense of humor is probably not mainstream, and may even be rather warped, but it's my sense of humor, and it works better than most employment agencies (pah-rum-pum--insert rim shot sound effect here).

Seriously, oops- I mean deliriously, though, there are many amusing things about being unemployed. You can smile as others complain about their bosses because you don't have one. The down side is that you have to come up with some other villain to blame for your stress in life. The good news is that there are many candidates to fill this role; pick a politician, any politician. (another rim shot here)

Being jobless is amusing when you take your job hunt very seriously. You get to see the look of shock on the faces of the workers at the unemployment office when they had you the form to list your job contacts (they expect 6), and you ask if it is okay to attach the 4-page, typed, single-spaced copy you brought with you. The most amusing response was the choking sound one worker made as she swallowed her gum. She quickly recovered, regained her composure, and said, "Umm, yeah, that would be fine. Just write 'see attached' on the space provided to list them." When I left she was still sitting there thumbing through the pages with a look of shock.

It's also amusing to think of outlandish answers that you'd never give to their routine questions: "Have you been actively seeking employment?" You fantasize answering, "No, I've been inactively seeking employment. I sleep with the help-wanted ads under my pillow and expect the perfect job to become mine through the power of osmosis as it seeps from the ads through my pillow into my brain." Of course, you actually answer, "Yes," and try to seem attentive instead of bored, impatient, and frustrated.

Then there's the question, "Have you quit or lost a job since you first filed for this unemployment?" You answer, "No." But you fantasize about answering: "Of course, I've had one job per day since I filed, and quit each and every one because there is just such an abundance of employment opportunities that I simply can't decide what I'd like to do--so many offers, so little time, you know."

Another way to amuse oneself while unemployed is to fill out online applications. Some applications ask the most amusing questions. Some are not as amusing, and have many checkboxes instead of open blanks for your answer. The ones with blanks for your answer are the ones who can give you a laugh. I fantasize about answering in the blank for "sex" something like: "daily," "only with spouse," or "not professionally." Of course, being the good unemployed person that I am, I answer with my gender instead. Not funny at all. The questions about a criminal record can be amusing. As can the ones that ask about additional responsibilities you might be willing to undertake. I apply for teaching jobs, so they ask about extra-curricular activities that I'd be willing to sponsor. Many times there is no pay for these extra duties. It's pretty much standard practice that non-tenured teachers have little choice but to sponsor activities even if it is hard to make the time with other job and family demands. Sure, I'm willing to do whatever. I'm as unqualified as the next person to sponsor the whatever-I've-never-heard-of club or activity. Each school has different activities available, and often those stuck sponsoring them have no clue about the activity until they learn on the job by sponsoring them.Those applications can be pretty amusing if you really consider the questions.

Or even better, take one of those pre-employment surveys that are part of the application process for some jobs. One survey that I took was so obviously looking for possible racism that anybody would know what answers they wanted you to pick to prove yourself "worthy" of the next-but-rarely-reached stage of being called for an interview. Sometimes, it isn't amusing and simply gives an applicant an insight to what is considered a problem with the institution where you are applying. Really, there is nothing amusing about racism, but it is amusing that they assume that racists are stupid enough to answer in ways that would give away their racist tendencies. Of course, it is probably all a subterfuge to prevent anyone from suing later and proving the institution to be negligent in its hiring practices by not somehow "screening" to prevent racists/perverts/etc. from being hired. Seriously, however, I doubt any pedophile is going to answer "yes" to questions about whether he/she finds children arousing. Not if he/she wants a job, or to stay out of jail.

I've even found a way to get amusement when in conversation, someone asks, "What do you do?" Now I answer, "Oh, I'm an employment instrument assessment engineer." The honest translation? "I fill out job applications, and form an opinion about the quality of the application." I no longer expect the application to yield a job; I just consider it an exercise in assessing the quality of the application. Some applications drone on for dozens of pages, and do not really give a decent picture of my assets, while others can be a single page and really succintly sum up my attributes that would benefit the company/institution. Perhaps I should just start answering, "I am a comic who makes fun of the employed, and what do you do?" Their answer could give me a whole new topic to use for my amusement.